oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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