Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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