Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
