Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The beer is more important than you right now.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
