i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
