I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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