my vag is so smooth its legendary
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
