STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
