I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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