Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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