i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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