The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
