Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
