Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
