i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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