Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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