I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
