He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
