i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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