took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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