masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
