She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
