I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
