He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
