at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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