I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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