She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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