escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
