Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
