I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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