last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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