If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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