My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You have to summon your inner elephant
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
