I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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