I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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