I wannas sexs uuuuu
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
