he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
