Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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