He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
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She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
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I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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