When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
