I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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