remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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