Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
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My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
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Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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