My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
