mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I faked an abortion last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
