hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
