Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
