I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
