I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My room smells like vodka and shame
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
