Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
