did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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