So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm getting married
To pizza
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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