According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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